|And I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you feel me somehow
||[Aug. 6th, 2006|06:11 pm]
I saw Jimmy. It was stupid really. But being away so long had made me think. Think about how kind he was to me. How he accepted me as an ally, a friend, no matter what he was told to the contrary. He stood up for me, chased me all around the world to see that I was safe. I know no one has ever cared for me like that before.
And it scares the hell out of me.
I remember sitting in lonely hotel rooms wondering where Jimmy was. How close he was too me. And how I let him get closer. Did he know I knew he was there? Just down the street, just around the corner. Sometimes he was close enough to touch but I didn't dare. I wasn't safe, and the truth of it was he wouldn't be safe with me either.
I convinced myself I was doing the responsible thing. Jimmy is a good man and I had to see he didn't get himself killed on his foolish mission to find me. I still don't know what he was thinking coming after me, though I suppose he wasn't thinking. Jimmy doesn't think, he feels. Feels with his whole being. That is what makes him wonderful, that is what will get him killed.
It is strange, how quickly our minds can switch over from one priority to another. My plane grounded in Malta there was little to do and I found no reason to sit in my dank hotel room and watch television. So I decided to explore the local area. I went into a glass shop, and was admiring the beautiful craftsowrk when I saw a glass jar and thought at once that if Jimmy had been there he would have said it reminded him of the bottle on "I Dream of Jeanine." And the thought made me smile. I was running all over the world trying to stop my father's plans to kill hundreds of people and yet I was standing there smiling. What could I do? I bought it for him and carried it all over the world.
And I never gave it to him. It didn't seem right somehow, with the Gunmen gone. And then I left again. My reasons behind that are another story. Then I heard the Gunmen were alive. And once again my world shifted. And I knew I had to see Jimmy.
I followed him one day, till I caught him sitting alone in a coffee shop, though I wouldn't have been surprised to find him drinking hot chocolate instead. He knew I was back but still seemed surprised to "see" me. As if it was not a meeting he expected. I can't say I blamed him on that account, I had given him no reasons to think otherwise.
I sat down beside him before he could get up and offered him a weak smile, all I was capable of at the time. He asked me where I had been and how I was and all I could bring myself to say in reply was "away" and "alright". We chatted breifly and I could tell there was a void between us. Neither one knowing quite how to react to the other any more. The rules had been changed once too often, we'd been separated far too long. But in the conversation-less silence there was still a comfortable familiarity, like a memory that is fading but you hold on to because you know it is precious.
I handed him the box saying that I had something for him. He smiled at me like a child on Christmas morning. He opened it eagerly and seemed pleased with the gift, though I think he would've been pleased with whatever I gave him, happy simply to be remembered. By me or anyone I do not know. He said it looked like Jeannie's bottle and I couldn't help but laugh and smile. He looked at me in wonder, like he'd never heard the sound before. I smiled at him as he thanked me for the gift.
And he kissed me.
It was a light, chaste kiss on the cheek. I shouldn't have been surprised. I had set a precedent before, he was only following suit. I just looked at him. What else could I do? He lingered his face near mine, watching my eyes. And my heart skipped a beat looking into his. They are so blue, so clear. Innocent eyes, strong eyes, gentle eyes.
Too wrapped up in my very unscientific analysis I didn't notice him coming closer towards me until his lips were on mine. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. Didn't want to, didn't need to. I was scared and excited and absolutely insane! What the hell was I thinking! But his lips were warm and yielding and I didn't dare pull away. He put his arms around me, gently, as if he was afraid at any moment I would pull away and scold.
Eventually I did pull away, coming up for air or my senses I don't know which. I couldn't look him in the eyes. I stood up quickly and left. Later I left a message on his cell phone telling him to keep it just between us. And I don't know what to do because I can't stop thinking of him. Can't stop wondering what it would be like to be able to not pull away. It is a futile process because I have no such option.
I am leaving for Egypt in the morning. Perhaps a thousand miles of distance might help me cleared my muddled head, and heart.